ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
