How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
