yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
