If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
