I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
