What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
