I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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