I think my fart just growled at me.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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