I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
