everyone is single if you try hard enough
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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