Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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