Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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