I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
