Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
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He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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