I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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