ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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