yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
