so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
