Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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