that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
