drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
