I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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