I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Drake has all the answers
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
