I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
