My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
