Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
