got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
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Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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