A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
