The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
