I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
