I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
