first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
