Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
