Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
