i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
