worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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