You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
