Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
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I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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