You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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