I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
