You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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