It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
