I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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