I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
