Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
