I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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