how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
