Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
