Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
