Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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