I'm fucking your sister right now.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.