Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.