I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home