"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
