I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
