Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
