Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
