Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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