Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
