remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
