According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
